Thursday thoughts...

Evening lovely humans,

This past few weeks have been pretty busy, Christopher has started a new job so routine has changed. Its nice to see him doing something he seems to enjoy though and his stress levels are much better along with his sleep.

Things with the home situation are still up in the air, its difficult to plan much and im spending alot of time removing myself from the situation. I need to protect my space and my peace and im okay with advocating that for myself.

Training was really good this week, It was great to see Paul back and we had a laugh as usual. I had caffeinted after a long day with work, appointments and being everyones taxi so i was abit scattered and everywhere. My motiviation has been low lately as my health hasnt been great lots going on there awaiting various hospital referrrals, training quitens my mind and gives me a focus though. I spent alot of time being angry at my limits - it reminds me that I can and often do accomplish things and improve.

I spoke to Paul in session about chopping my hair off after it got stuck under the barbel, its the longest its ever been and bugging the fuck out of me. I mentioned to Paul that i really struggle with the salon - experience never really knowing what to say and the atmosphere. Im not a typical girly person and I find the salon environment intimidating and anxiety inducing. I have to be in a really good place mentally to put myself in that situation as it puts me on edge. It really helped me that he understood and resonated with me because previously when Ive spoke about this people have reacted badly or made me feel silly.

Today marks 11 year since my Mum died, writing that seems insane to me, eleven years. They have both dragged and flown, missing her is an everyday thing. Not only as the person she was but as the person she would have become as we moved through the years. Doing the work I do I often wonder about what my parents would have been like in old ages, they died at age 46 and 53. I cant picture them in later life, the poignance of their absence hits me at the strangest of times as well as the expected milestones and anniversaries.

I read a blog post recently that quoted that we should try to leave our loss behind, I dont agree with this. I take this loss with me, not as a burden but an experience. It happened and it changed me and for the most part I try to use the experience to do some good, start some conversations. Dont think I avoid the sadness - I throw cups, cry and shout at the sky sometimes, I wont tell you that I dont get angry and rage at the unfairness of losing them both, i absolutely do. But i would choose them, in any lifetime regardless.

We are coming into the Christmas season and I am utterly overjoyed to not work in retail any more, retail at christmas shows you the absolute worst and best of humanity I think. Usually in the same half an hour. Given the situation at home I havent got the usual enthusiasm I have, perhaps closer the time this will kick in. If it doesnt though thats okay, there is so much expectation on the season and what we should be doing and feeling.

Im craving peace at the minute, good conversation and comfort. Choosing to surround myself with those who are interested in the same and limit the drama. And im okay with that.