The Bereavement Edit - Learning through living

I am writing this post from my duvet cocoon on the sofa, whilst I mull over the changes that the last few years have brought. My life has been immeasurably changed by loss, I rarely gave myself the time to think about or process the way life had changed believing that as long as I was busy it would be okay.

It took no more than a few months of this for me to become burnt out and exhausted, it was at that point that I began to make changes to my lifestyle and the way I approached my own mental health.

"Feeling the need to be busy all of the time is a trauma based response" -Reading this phrase whilst exploring why I felt so drained and emotionless was like a bolt of realisation hit me, I wasnt busy, I was avoiding what I did not want to face.

The 3 years that have followed have been a mix of highs and lows in which Ive tried, and failed sometimes to learn to live through grief. I used to view my grief as something I could try to run from, that if I was prepared enough I could stay 2 steps ahead and not have to deal with its harsh reality, but grief is always waiting in the wings.

Im no longer ashamed to tell you that a jar of red cabbage has reduced me to tears in the supermarket, and that there are days that I want to scream at the unfairness of losing both parents at 30 years old. I am also pleased to tell you that I still find so much joy in life, that I dance and I sing(badly but hey, attempts are made) and I laugh alot. Which perhaps all those years ago I would have been unable to see a time that would ever be the case again.

As many of you know most recently our family suffered the loss of my nan following a short illness, she was able with our support to return home and be surrounded by her family for a number of weeks. As a family unit this time we did not try to outrun grief, instead we invited grief in and walked alongside it - we greeted grief with a respect that we hadn't previously - There was time for grief, for open conversation and for the sharing of stories. There was laughter, walking hand in hand with grief tussling over who was going to win out in the moment.

Reflecting now I feel privileged that we were given that time together and that the learning of the previous years had enabled me to hone new skills,to understand my reactions and to approach this loss more gently. There is a peace around death, I can only be thankful for that.