September Sunday Spill

September has been pretty full on and as it comes to an end I'm feeling pretty tired, I usually start thinking about Christmas presents around this time to try and spread the cost but haven't even considered it with so much else going on. Chris is looking for another job after recently being made redundant, the job market is pretty limited right now and its not proving as easy as hoped for someone with his level of experience. Retail in itself is changing, shorter hours and flexibility is the norm but the contracts are just not sustainable for family life and the rising costs of living. My job is steady and for that I'm really thankful but working from home requires a level of focus that is hard to achieve when others are in the house buzzing about. I'm really enjoying my work at the minute, putting a lot of effort into training and taking part in various team events, its a great organisation and I find it fascinating if challenging. Some challenge is good though, I want to figure things out and every day be different.

Training has been blighted by flare ups of my condition but I have enjoyed the most recent sessions hugely, It is satisfying to be able to work through a bad day and adapt whereas previously I would have written it off. Self care has taken a massive back seat in September and it does feel like I am paying for that in terms of energy, motivation and feeling well. It frustrates me that when times get difficult as they have been at home I revert back to old habits. I think part of it is that alot is out of my control at the minute, so im kind of just letting myself be carried along with it. I weighed myself for the first time in a long time and its not actually as bad as I expected, but the last two years have taught me that it is more about how I feel so i recognise that things need to become more focused again.

It is coming up to my parents birthdays which is always strange being without them, it feels wrong not to mark the day somehow but its upsetting to do so. I wonder what they would be like when they were older. Would my dad still drive like he had 9 lives? Would my mum stop swearing when she was an old lady? Who knows, probably not. He would be handbrake turning into the nursing home car park and she would be just as likely to tell someone to fuck off.

I've spent a bit of time recently thinking about my childhood, watching my teens go through some problems and wondering if I could of been better, parented better or done things differently. My parents were not saints, they made mistakes and sometimes me and my siblings were negatively affected by those mistakes. But i firmly do believe they did their best, sometimes their ego won out, or the odds were stacked against them but I always felt that they were trying. I hope that regardless of where life takes them my children will remember that their parents tried, even when they didnt get it quite right. That we were present.

Im currently juggling work ,some home issues as discussed above, my volunteering role and counselling course along with family life, its alot and I wonder if ive overfaced myself but I love each aspect so its a case of making time productive and using rest time appropriately.

Ive been reading the compassionate mind which I find really interesting and insightful, im learning a lot about being compassionate with myself and others and the science behind it. Alongside some spooky occult stories because Ive got to get my spook on somewhere.

Friendship has been slightly frustrating lately and I feel abit let down that I give alot and it isnt always returned. Ive got some awesome friends so taking a step back from those who cant do the same for me has been difficult but necessary. Im still really enjoying speaking to people through threads and the connections im making there, it has made me question a bit about my experiences and potential neurodiversity but ultimately this is the way I am - Awkward, funny, sometimes kind, often sarcastic and thats enough for me at the minute.

I love Autumn, the leaves that crunch underfoot, the changing colours of the scenery and the cosy feeling of a dark evening. Im hoping that I can savour things slowing down a little. Spend some time with Christopher, get through my probation sign off and launch the new bereavement cafe.