Thursday Thought Tirade

The garden has been my absolute saving grace in the last few weeks, having the outside space to listen to the waterfall running, watch the fish and be surrounded by the plants. I get too observe nature in so many different ways at different times and despite life being heavy at the minute I feel incredibly grateful for that. The birds, the fish, frogs, bees, wasps and spiders all going about their day to day while I am just an observer makes me feel calm, like im part of something bigger.

I got the email to say id passed the second unit of my counselling skills this week, Im enjoying the course but sometimes imposter syndrome hits hard and I wonder how I can be in a position to try to help people with their lives when my own is fraught with ups and downs, but then I think about the events I have lived through, the experiences I have had and perhaps without those I couldnt do what I do. The bereavement group I volunteer with is expanding which is great to see and be a part of, seeing people come out of themselves and give each other support is wholesome and although there is sadness there are so many uplifting pockets of joy being a part of the journey and giving the safe space to explore thoughts and feelings.

The teenager enrols at college tomorrow, which is nerve wracking for me and for him. High school has been difficult along with the family bereavements and his ill health its been a slog but we are really hoping that things brings a positive change for him doing something he loves and gaining some further independence. I'm forever proud of the funny, kind, awesome human he has become.

My training is ongoing still and im enjoying the focus and the time outside my own head it gives me, im hoping to keep it going through Christophers redundancy, its potentially the only time I truly give too myself, im trying to work on this and take more time for me.

The olds anniversary meal was last weekend , i gave a speech which is something I ordinarily wouldnt do but it seemed to go well, I felt that I wanted to do something like Dad would have, it was hard looking around and him being missing, its the kind of thing he loved catching up with everyone. Sometimes I watch people with their parents, their elderly parents and I feel cheated that I wont see mine grow old. There was such a joyful atmosphere at the event though.

My birthday was Monday, I am officially 33, things at home havent been great and if im honest the day was difficult, I wasnt in the celebratory mood and tried to jolly myself along for other people - this never works! I needed to feel what I was feeling and let it be but forcing it made me feel worse. The evening ended much better with takeaway Indian and watching elemental. Recognising when my moods change and letting myself be is something im having to learn and work on as I was raised to just crack on with things, slap on a smile and carry on was the way things were, but as ive grown and read and understand myself more I can recognise that it is damaging and ultimately it keeps us in the lows much longer.

Ive decided that I can be grateful for the positive in my life while recognising that some things are just shit and there is no glossing over that. You cant put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.