The Mood dips, The bad brain days and Raising teenagers.

I spoke earlier about a low mood dip I’ve been in recently and thought id elaborate on that. I have been medicated for anxiety for coming up to ten years now. Shortly after losing Mum which is 10 years this November, and with the anniversary of Dad and Nans death drawing closer I am doing a lot of overthinking and dwelling on things which rationally I know won’t have changed our situation but in the dark hours that can sometimes be difficult to get through. I have pre-empted this mood dip somewhat and put some plans in place some events to look forward to over the next few weeks, some targets to try and hit – when my mind is focused I am less likely to ruminate.

The support system we have around us makes a big difference to our moods, and I am lucky to have family and friends who do support me, but my day to day was my parents. So now when I’m struggling with something like my own teenagers driving me to distraction, or a career move that I need to bounce off someone I sometimes feel a hit of isolation, because they were my sounding board and the place I would go to for wisdom. I guess because suddenly I am the adult in situations without my adult to look too.

Continuing on my physical and mental fitness journey is helping massively with my mood, and I am more resilient than I have been, but we all have our days when the things we don’t love about ourselves outshine those that we do. My neurological condition causes me quite a few problems and this week it absolutely kicked my arse during my PT session, I was flaking hard within 15 minutes – going dizzy, ears were ringing, drenched in sweat and the pressure inside my head was intense. Its hard to explain what a “bad brain” day feels like, imagine you’ve been hanging upside down off your sofa for 10 minutes then tried to stand up and spin round – while someone hums in your ear.

I knew I wasn’t making it through that session, and my PT is fantastic and probably knew it before I did. But it didn’t stop it from massively frustrating me. I wanted to be able to continue and it sometimes feels like my brain is fighting against me. I am ordinarily a huge advocate for accepting who we are and loving ourselves before anyone else can but I’m not always the kindest voice when it comes to myself. It’s a narrative I’m working on changing – but it takes a lot to change the habit of a lifetime.

Lots of people checked in with me seeing my down on me mood the last few weeks, which is why I always try to do the same. We are not always the best at recognising the parts of us that other people are drawn too. And humans need that attention and validation – it doesn’t make us attention seekers or dramatic it makes us human.

I completed the missed parts of that workout today, because that is important to me, to have that sense of accomplishment that even if I’m prevented from something in the short term, I go back to it. When I was younger it was something my parents and grandparents instilled into us that it was better to try again than to give in.

We have had a difficult week with some health issues with the youngest teen, and its really challenged my parenting and made me question my abilities. I’ve missed having my own parents to go to for their opinions and advice – not that I can promise I would have listened graciously. It is the hardest job in the world parenting a teen, they are finding their own way in the world craving independence and shaping their own values and opinions. How can I help them trying to make sense of a world that has changed so much since I was a teen myself.

In the last two years we have been through massive trauma and bereavement and sometimes I think that it means I have tried to make life softer in other areas for my teen, I’ve allowed more than I would of if life had been plainer sailing and perhaps that wasn’t the right path – but he is a funny, good hearted amazing human who I’m utterly proud of and ill support him in every challenge he is facing, through gritted teeth sometimes. Ill call him out when he’s being a jerk and check myself when I am , And hopefully we will reach the other side somewhat unscathed. When he’s in this position, If I’m lucky enough to be here, I shall sit with a glass of gin, not giving my opinion saying “but dear, I thought you knew everything”