Living Mindfully, Self Doubt and being "The Frog Girl"

As you can probably pick up from the title of this blog things have been busy here and a bit scattered, my previous good habits have taken a bit of a dip replaced by running on less sleep, more coffee and more convenience.

My training has been blighted by lots of dizzy spells and BrainPain.... a combination of warm weather which although lovely never does the condition much good and that dip in good habits. But Ive picked up on it, chatted it over with the lovely Paul and am taking the steps back to better habits.

Previously id of really beaten myself up for falling out of my good habits, seen it as going backwards but a year and abit into this journey I can objectively look at the situation and recognise why its happened and how too get back on track. I know that ive made a lot of adjustments recently in terms of my work and C's and that was bound to have a knock on effect. I may be struggling with flare ups but my strength is better than its ever been and although frustration plays its part sometimes that can be the motivation to not let IIH become a ruling factor in my life.

I still have large bouts of self doubt, my current role is fantastic, interesting and a pleasure to be a part of but as its relatively new there is still a part of me that doubts my abilities and decisions, imposter syndrome is a very real and valid experience which im working hard to combat by upping my skills and training and recognising when Im doing something well.

The garden is a constant source of peace for me, the place I can process. I spend a lot of time out here reading, writing and generally exploring. The pond was one of the best decisions we made, it is fascinating to see the ever changing wildlife it brings and is my favourite place.

When we were younger Mum had an obsession with frogs, she saved two and they lived with us for a time, a speedy guy we named Houdini and a wounded toad ironically called Esme which we had conveniently forgotten about until after my sister named my niece that....

I was always mildly terrified of the frogs, mum made us dig up worms for them and feed them and they gave me the massive heebiejeebies, when we got the pond we rescued some frogspawn from a pond that was unsuitable and from that moment I worked really hard to get over my fear by watching the process and learning about them, they are now one of my favourite things and you will often find me in the dark by the pond with a torch checking on my army :)

Living mindfully was never something I thought about, before Mum and Dad died I could of counted on one hand the times id really zoned into how I was feeling, and the effects of the way I spoke to and about myself had on that, the people i surrounded myself with and the boundaries I didnt have. Nowadays I recognise a mood dip, a situation I feel uncomfortable with, a need to step back and I dont feel guilty for that . Self care is allowing those around you to get the best of you when you are able to give it.

My volunteering has carried on and im privileged to be in the position I am supporting bereaved people and providing the safe space for exploration of feelings, a number of years ago I never thought id reach a stage where I could do this, there is life after loss just a different kind. Its a really uplifting experience despite its sad nature, powerful to be a part of and influence in a small way.