Kinder Scout - The mindfulness Walk with the Wonky Brain!

I'm allowed to say the above because its my wonky brain, and trust me when I say that some days I spend more time taking it into consideration than Id like too, than I probably should too be honest.

But I hate being embarrassed , I am the type of person who turns the tv over if I know an actor is about to have a toe curling shameful moment, I just cant sit through it. Never could, it makes me cringe inwardly and outwardly even if it isn't my shame that's playing out. I cant really explain why but I am prone to the dramatics, the catastrophising. However, I'm working on changing it and when my PT ( You've heard me mention him before Paul @ JustYouPt - diamond of a man, drop me a message if you want details ) suggested a mindfulness walk up Kinder Scout with other members of the group I was tempted, then the little wobbly brain demon came along and went nope don't be silly, cant do that, you'll fall, go dizzy. Basically you'll not only make an utter nob of yourself but it'll hurt while you do it.

I thought about it, agonised over, nearly bailed a few times, but I miss out on a lot that if I were being totally honest with you and with myself is purely through fear and anxiety relating to my condition which actually is in a really good place right now, after working with Paul for a number of months I'm actually in a better place health wise than I have been for a long time and although I'm still medicated the bouts of my flare ups are getting less frequent and easier to manage. The things I avoid are probably incredibly silly but they have been known to trigger so aqua fit - it took me over a year to go back to my classes after a particularly bad episode in the pool involving loss of balance. I wasn't injured. I was embarrassed. My pride was dented, I am fiercely independent and that was my problem, people had seen me at a low ebb and needing help and at that point I saw that as something I couldn't allow. I still avoid jumping, when I work with Paul he works around it, and it is true that it is a trigger for my balance issues, but how can I predict my reaction every time - the simple answer is that I cant I have learnt to avoid it out of fear.

So as the date came closer I spoke to some of the people closest to me, and rather naively decided that I couldn't keep letting fear of what I perceived I couldn't do rule my choices, I wanted to meet these people who had such a huge impact on my life and whose company I enjoyed, I wanted to test my limits in other spaces than my own living room.

So today we, mindfully climbed Kinder Scout, and believe me there were moments that I questioned my steely determination to take part, where I wondered who the hell I thought I was and if the world was going to stop spinning long enough for me to make it to the next rock, but most of the time I felt surrounded - by support, friendship and motivation. It never crossed my mind to stop and not carry on because we were all in this together. A few times at difficult points today I looked down at my right hand, the ashes ring that carries Dad with me, and I thought about the changes id made since he has been gone - the will to take him to all the place he thought he still had time to go. I spoke to Paul nearing the summit about how my diagnosis had changed my mindset and made me feel like I couldn't attempt the unknown, I had this fear of things that weren't safe anymore - but that today had shown me that outside my comfort zone was possible - and enjoyable. Not that I didn't struggle or fall. I did, a few times actually but the sense of achievement I had today was mirrored in his reaction and that meant a lot to me, seeing that he values the effect on his clients wellbeing as much as the changes in their physical health. Its been a massive eyeopener to me to feel capable in a new and challenging situation and I feel incredibly grateful for that.