Holidays, Hard days and Healing

We hadn't purposefully planned to be away over the first anniversaries of Nans and Dads death it was just how it had worked out with time off work and availability, in the run up I was concerned that I would struggle not being at home and that my mood would bring down the holiday but in reality I think that being away helped. I was able to process and take time in beautiful surroundings when I needed too but I had focus on enjoying the time with family and the trips we had planned. Being busy meant that although I was conscious of the dates I wasn't overthinking and ruminating on the things that I couldn't change.

In the last year I have spent a lot of time thinking, writing and trying to process what happened, working through my own guilt and anger which isn't always easy or rationalised with, but I'm learning that I cant step away from the anger completely - humans need anger - it helps us to identify things that are hurting us and motivates us to create a change. It is part of our fight or flight system and helps us defend ourselves when needed. But carrying round the anger I was wasn't healthy mentally or physically and I read a quote that really resonated with me :

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned" - Buddha

I was angry at the world, but the only person I was hurting was myself with my poor mental and physical health choices. I could of taken on the mistakes and sometimes I still think about going after those who I feel were at fault - but to what end? I was suffering severe burn out, and its only a year on having left my job and taken control of my health, working on my mental health that I am feeling strong enough to step forward and rebuild in a different way. My lifestyle will never be the same again, and I am thankful for that because the past few months have caused me to look at the way we live, we wear being busy as a badge of honour - burn out as a sign of success. True burn out I have read today in a study can take around 3 - 5 years to recover fully from and I can well believe that. Life is fleeting, more so for some than we could ever realise and we are all guilty of misjudging that balance sometimes.

Whilst we were away we visited quite a few tourists places, we were graced with both teen boys coming away with us which at age 15 and 18 was quite a privilege. They are quite into visiting places of interest so we headed to Bodnant Gardens - Stunning place where I could of happily spent all day and more. Colwyn Bay, The Welsh Mountain Zoo, FForest Zip World. Conwy Castle, LLandudno boat tours and beach, Conwy Water Gardens, Snowdon Mountain Train. So as you can see we packed the week and kept them super busy with the walks, climbs, animals and boat tours, fforest coasters and stunning walks. A slight mishap with my reading of the distance to the local pub meant that we walked 3.5 miles each way for fish and chips on the first night, the way back being up a fairly epic hill. I wasn't popular with them that night...

I felt incredibly lucky to be able to do this with them, especially in the current climate. And I thought about this whilst I sat with a coffee on the morning of dads anniversaries, that I felt content and lucky because a year ago "lucky" is something I didn't think I would ever feel again. I know that he would be proud that we are carrying on, talking about them, sharing their stories but our living our lives.

I almost felt guilty that I handled the two days better than I expected, but that's the thing about anniversaries and special days they loom on the calendar and the expectation on yourself is to be sad or angry. I found that actually I was more contemplative. On a totally unremarkable Tuesday where I have very little reason to be I might be furiously angry at the world, and i recognise now that's okay - its what I need that day. I sit with it, do some writing or some workouts or blast some music. There is no linear way of grieving or of healing - but the process is in itself calming. and its nice to like the person I'm becoming.