Feeling untethered, The blue days.

This is hard for me to post as I do like to be seen as the strong one and the "coper" but the last few weeks have been pretty tough. I can only describe it as feeling really disconnected, untethered. Birthdays are tough for me since losing my parents - Not in the sense of not being spoilt or fussed over just that they were the constant, Dad would always ring me at some ungodly hour when he got up for work to be the first to wish me happy birthday , Nan would always insist on us having tea together and birthday cake at her house. Mum would make a point of choosing something mortifying and having me unwrap it in front of the entire family. Gramps would complain constantly that the grandchildren were messing up his house and being loud and he was never going to get his jobs done and that "he didn't like this Macdonald rubbish" whilst eating everyone's fries and regaling everyone with stories.

I guess birthdays used to be big family occasions and now I feel like they just magnify the fact that so many of the people I held dearest are missing, I then feel guilty that my remaining family have tried to make the day special and I'm struggling so much. Its all abit of a minefield, and its hard to say out loud without sounding like a mardy brat!

My parents not being around was never something I considered, it just didnt seem possible. It was something that happened to other people. Most days I can work through things, Journal, be mindful, exercise but there has been a really dark cloud lately where I question if I will feel like this for the rest of my life. Like I dont belong anywhere or to anyone anymore, like the people who were proudest of me are no longer rooting for me and that is really difficult for me.

I haven't been too well recently and its caused a massive motivation dip in terms of my training and my calorie counting - not being able to eat properly hasn't helped and frequent balance and flare ups. Im feeling in a better place physically and hoping that once these difficult dates are over that I can get my focus back as I was really enjoying seeing the changes and how positive I was feeling. I know that it will come back and that this is a blip but its hard when I generally put quite a large amount of pressure on myself to bounce back and get on with things.

One pretty major positive piece of news is that I've started my level 3 counselling skills course, its going to be tough but I'm passionate about it. Its been a long time coming since the level 2 course in the very first lockdown but I'm feeling good about it.

I feel like the course is a turning point in doing something positive with what I have been through and the things I have seen. My way of dealing and my approach isnt going to be for everyone but being a port in someone elses storm would be a huge honour for me. As someone you has struggled to speak out before and suffered the debilitating consequences of that I know only to well the power of talking.