Fatherless Daughters

Fathers day, the first without you. I feel like I should be an old hand at getting through milestone days now Dad, with every Mothers day that's gone past without Mum , Birthdays without both of you and then Christmas but today has been so much harder than I expected. I guess with social media now we are surrounded by the idea of everyone else living a better life, happier life or in my case the life we thought we would have, I always knew as I got older id stay close to home, living round the corner from you and mum, we would be the family who went out for dinner today, or cajoled grandad into hosting a BBQ and then took over because he didn't do it our way.

Today has passed in a blur of a lot of tears, and guilt. Guilt that things didn't turn out differently. That I couldn't help you - guilt that I spent so much time today on the sofa or in bed sobbing like a lost child when I promised that I wouldn't wallow and id live for you - I try Dad, I really do.

I wrote in a previous blog about motherless daughters and the effect it can have on you, I know you read that and this is my take I guess on fatherless daughters - being here without you is one of the most difficult tasks ill probably ever complete. You really were my backbone, my teacher and my champion and I consider myself so lucky to be your daughter.

You taught me how to work hard, to persevere, to find the happiness in things and to be the best you can be. To look to others for who they were not what they could offer, see past a persons difficulties and maintain respect, for yourself as much as for others.

Tonight I'm hurting but I'm thankful, thankful for camping trips, water world, bike riding and remote control truck driving. For driving round to see the Christmas lights, and records playing at home. For blue moon being sung so loud and omelettes that tasted like home.

I'm humbled and grateful to have been there for you at your hardest times. To have been able to give back some of the love and support you have given me over the years, for whispered conversations and hands held. For being able to tell you what an amazing father you were. How loved you are and for laughing together until the very end.