Dying Matters

This blog is a slight rehash of a post from my previous blog, so apologies but things have changed, become clearer and I wanted to carry this forward as its important to me.

Its nobody favourite subject, but we truly honestly suck at having this conversation and it is so important. If when i was turning 18 somebody told me within t2 years i would of planned the funerals of 4 of the people i loved most in the world, been with them throughout the dying process and ultimately made the decisions which controlled their last days and after I would of laughed at you it'll never happen to me.

Life has this awesome way of happening whilst you arent paying attention and suddenly all those things that we wish we knew about our loved ones wishes its too late to find out.

When my mother was very unwell she was remarried and it meant that her husband was responsible for a lot of the decisions regarding her care. Him and my brother were called in late at night to the Christie hospital and given the news and the task of breaking it to me and my sister. We then had to tell our grandparents - I can put my hand on my heart and tell you that was one of the hardest moments of my life.. Nobody should have to tell their grandparents that their daughter was dying but in hindsight it feels right that it was us.

I actually a number of years later had to deliver the same news to my grandparents regarding their son, my granddad especially was never the same ,losing 2 of his children in 5 years hit him incredibly hard and he struggled to have the same motivation that he was well known in our local area for.

Mum had talked about death frequently since her terminal diagnosis, but not so much about what she wanted for herself more what she wanted for us, she asked my dad to look out for my half brother and sister - she knew they would struggle without her and he had been close to them since childhood. With little ideas to go off planning for her was done in a blur of grief, there are things now that i wish i had known. That i had listened more and asked questions when i could.

As some of you may of read or know my beloved gramps passed away at the end of August 2019, he had been taken unwell and developed delirium. He was given a dementia diagnosis and spent his last 4 months in a residential home.

Now my gramps, first and foremost was a soldier who told the most amazing stories of his time in Malaya during the Malayan Emergency, he was a regimented man who liked things just so. When he spoke of death he recalled the times he had seen friends die before him and that the impact on those left behind was the most difficult part. When he was older and he tired of life somewhat he would tell me that when he goes I was to dig a hole and bury him in his garden, you will be glad to know that I didn't carry out this request.

Being the kind of man he was gramps had things plannned out, the money for his funeral, what he wanted to happen to him. The only things he hadnt thought of were the "fuss" which makes sense since he couldnt abide anything that he considered to be a faff. It made the time afterwards slightly easier to deal with as i felt i was carrying out his wishes and focused on something.

My Dads death is alot more recent and raw, and the result of a short illness, of which we expected him to recover initially. There were no plans in place for his death, no will, no paperwork, no funeral plan and the most I knew about his funeral was 2 songs he had picked in the weeks prior to his death. My dad was not a planner. and boy did I wish he was, when i lay awake each night questioning my every decision. Its been 7 months since Dads death and I feel im only just getting chance to grieve now that the admin and sheer volume of paperwork has calmed down. I was at a total loss, having never dealt with anything like this, pensions, bank accounts, property and debt has fallen heavy on me and if im completly honest, its made me angry at times. Thats been hard to accept, because nobody expects to die early, to not have their affairs in order. Nobody willingly leaves their family in a stressful situation but that is the brunt of it and these conversations are being silenced.

Being with both mum and gramps and in later years my Dad when they passed away is not something i had planned to do, in fact i actively was going to avoid doing so and im sure had my mother been able to she would of banished me, my brother and my sister from being in that room for her final days. When i used to think of seeing someone die I thought of pain, sadness and being frightened, for them and for those around them. I can honestly tell you that this isnt the case, yes there is sadness and it is one of the hardest things you could ever imagine doing but I now wouldnt of wanted to be anywhere else, there is a calmness around death especially that of someone who has been so unwell. Pain management in both cases was absolutely amazing and i like to hope that peace was achieved. Stories were shared and good times talked about, we held hands and told them that it was okay to let go and in gramps case that we would take care of his wife. I believe that I am stronger for it and that grief is unavoidable, it is the price that we pay for love and to feel love like that is worth it, so very worth it.

I have overshared massively here, but it is something that I see so often now. It is a difficult conversation but its an important one, and although they might not thank you for it now when the time comes knowing that you have carried out someones last wishes to the best of your abilities is a comfort.

I have since signed up and completed training in the living well/dying well sector, the stigma around death and dying needs to change and I will be proud to be a part of that.