Christmas, Compassion and Calmness

Nov 30, 20223 min read

"Grief is a room without doors - but somehow, with its tinsel and cliches, Christmas finds a way in"

Simon Van Booy

The run up to Christmas looks to be in full swing, it seems to get earlier every year. I've been wondering this week if the result of two years of pandemic living where Christmas was celebrated on a quieter scale are the culprit for the ramp up in Christmas enthusiasm or if I'm just noticing it more?

I'm finding it particularly difficult to get into the festive mood, which given that its barely December I think is fair. Grief is hitting me pretty hard this year, which is unexpected with it being the second year since Nan and Dads death. I've spent a bit of time trying to figure out why this might be and come to the conclusion that last year was still pretty raw, I had possessions to sort, paperwork coming out of my ears and Dad's house to prepare for selling and I think in a lot of ways, I was still in shock.

I was in survival mode ploughing through what needed to be done and its only since letting myself slow down and acknowledge that I can feel it, the Christmas run up is hard.

In the weeks that lead up to Christmas there are reminders of family togetherness and celebrations everywhere - the adverts, the films, the gift buying, the events. It is everywhere I turn and much as I try to mentally move past the feelings, they sting.

For me this year is about reframing Christmas, it will be different because our lives are different, our previous traditions we may have moved away from but we create new, we remember those we are missing.Please don't think I'm the country version of the Grinch, I do love Christmas, but my focus is going to be on enjoying the small moments of joy. I spent so many Christmases bouncing between houses trying to see everyone I could, brilliant memories but exhausting. Our moods can change in an instant, affected by so many factors, I have become either through life events or the pandemic quite happy in my own company, I'm a fairly introverted person and social situations can be draining, much as I love the people, I'm with, there is an expectation to be bubbly, witty and on form especially during the festive season. I want to put out there that's it's okay not too be.

Some helpful tips for grieving during the holidays:

Allow yourself to grieve - this may sound daft but just recognising that there will be difficult days and that's okay can remove some of the expectation and pressure we put on ourselves to "be okay"
It's okay to say no - say it, hell scream it from the rooftops if you want too. Old traditions might be comforting but they may be too difficult and that is perfectly normal.
Be clear and firm about your needs - you might wish to join in with some things, others might be too much. Tell others clearly and kindly - "hey I'm not feeling up to going to the carol concert, but I'd be happy to meet you for a drink after"
Self-care and compassion - Your life has changed irrevocably, make time for yourself to rest, recharge and practice mindfulness. Self-care is not selfish, it is necessary.
Try not to feel guilty for enjoying yourself - I know, this is a tough one but your loved one would want you to find joy in things, however you find it remember that it is not disrespectful to be happy.

I know that my parents and grandparents would want me to enjoy myself, they spent much of their lives telling me to do so, but this year I'm not going to be so hard on myself to fill the season, do all the things, buy all the things and have the picture-perfect time. Christmas still exists in the reflection, the small moments of joy and most of all in the quiet.