Finding the inner voice

Ive been spending a lot of time outdoors since we redid the patio area, its calming being outside and being surrounded by birdsong and less negative influences. I usually read when out there or just take things in. I try to practice mindfulness, I am not hugely skilled at it and have to keep bringing myself back but its a skill like any other that takes time to master. Humans have this frustrating trait that we expect to pick up something new and be able to do it well without much practice or training - I am so guilty of this and need to cut myself some slack. Every day is a school day.

It is human nature to be hard on ourselves and to push for more, and I suppose in itself it can help and to encourage us to get results but it can also be an incredibly damaging mindset when it becomes our only inner voice, where is the balance? If there isn't another voice that's telling you that you did something amazing, that you couldn't of achieved this time last month. That's my aim lately, finding that balance, of pushing myself just enough. listening to myself physically and mentally to know when a limit is reached.

There have been some things playing on my mind lately that I decided to speak out about and I feel like a weight has been lifted. The answers weren't ideal and they hurt and my opinions of people have been negatively effected but its meant I feel I've been heard and can move forward. We cant control how other people behave and are never going to be able too but we can control our reactions to their behaviour and the part we let it play in our life.

My life has changed hugely in the last year and it seems daunting to look forward but I'm starting to see things in a different frame. I had so many plans with my parents, their grandchildren and although I am unbearably sad that they weren't too be we are here because of them. Our family, my sister, brother and their grandchildren and they would want us to live for them. I feel in some sense that our young adult years have been controlled by grief and I want to free our children from that. We are not a sob story, we are all the wonderful things about our family. The wit and the humour, the stories that keep you belly laughing until your memories are streaming down your face.